Why the 5?
Today I took the 5. I take the 5 every single day. I take the 5 because although it can be slow as molasses, it is marginally less chaotic than the some of the express buses downtown (who shall remain nameless for the time being). On these unnamed downtown express buses, anything is liable to occur.
One summer, a man with no shirt but many tattoos was jumping around like he had ants in his shorts while threatening to knife a homeless man who had allegedly panhandled him on 3rd Ave outside of Macy's. If you don't want to be panhandled, don't stand around outside of Macy's on 3rd Ave. Hello.
Enter Pervy Bus Guy
Anyway, today was definitely Set Jessica On Edge day today on the #5. It was pretty crowded. It was the middle of the day. I had to sit in the parallel seats that put four stranger hip to hip, with only one metal bar to separate them. With my large-ish messenger bag, I sat between a normal looking guy and unremarkable woman (this is how people are labeled in my head on the bus). However, normal looking guy soon revealed himself to be pervy guy in disguise.
How do I know this? Because, as I slowly yet consistently tried to make myself smaller and smaller so as not to touch any strangers, his legs kept getting spread further and further apart. The result? I could not get far enough away so that his leg wasn't touching mine. Ewww!
Even if you are a man who for whatever reason thinks he needs to keep his legs as far apart as possible, remember, there are other people sitting next to you who have legs, too. And we don't want them touching yours under any circumstances. And I promise you, you don't need your legs spread apart as far as you think you do, if you catch my drift.
And all the king's men
So, finally, I was able to move away from pervy guy in disguise, only to have Wiccan woman reading a romance novel sit next to me, smelling slightly of spicy beef. Sigh.
And across from me was acne-scarred hard-core used-to-live-on-the-streets man who is now pursuing a career in music somewhere close to the Space Needle, having extremely hip phone conversations on the bus. "That's right man. Totally, man. See you in five, man. Naw, I'm just on the bus, man. I can totally talk."
Finally, exit group of three toting a crappy vacuum cleaner, one bottle of 409 and one of carpet cleaner. What are they doing? Where are they going with such a narrow arsenal of cleaning supplies? And why did they get off in the no-man's land on Hwy 99 near Queen Anne?
No wonder when I finally got to work I looked so weirded out that someone actually commented! How will I ever recover?
