Winter Time Pear with Cheesy Crust

Crumbly, cheesy crust... yum?

Just let me preface by saying that fruit pie encased in double crust causes double the anxiety of other pies.  However, a new filling AND a new crust are going to quadruple your heart palpitations.  So, learn from this experience, and only do a new filling OR a new crust at a time.  Or else you will find you anti-anxiety meds mysteriously depleted the next day.

Yes, that slice of pear is trying to escape my pie!

Personally, I both ran away from the pie and locked myself in the closet (two separate freak outs) before I was able to let anyone else see this monstrosity.  However, it was edible (and even enjoyable?) in the end.  Moral of the story: don't get in over your head and the ugliest pies are often the best-tasting.

Thank goodness for enthusiastic pie connoisseurs like Nicole!

For this pie, I used the cheese crust for fruit pies in Carole's book, and the pear pie filling in Betty (instead of mace, whatever that is supposed to be, I used ginger and cinnamon for spice).

Does cheese really make everything better?

My advice is to just melt a slice of cheddar on top of the pie and call it good, if you must have cheese involved in your fruit pie at all.  However, I just had to get all fancy and try a cheddar-incorporated crust.  I also tried the food processor (guilt over the graham cracker crust earlier, I guess) and butter, neither of which are involved in my usual pie pastry.

What I would do differently next time with the crust:

• Use only Crisco.  
• Skip the food processor and cut that s**t by hand, with a fork, the way you were meant to do!  
• Add at least five tablespoons of ice water, because it was drier than I thought.

What I would do differently next time with the pear filling:

• Ummm, remember the lemon juice and butter drops before putting on the top crust, instead of getting carried away by just wanting to close the thing up ASAP. 
• For 9" aluminum pan, just use five medium to large pears

I thought that using under-ripe pears was good, because the consistency was still a little firm, even after fifty minutes in the oven.  Unless you want squishy fruit, I guess.

So, if you have a hankering for fruit pie, don't want apple, and enjoy a good challenge, then this is a great pie for you to make.  Just make sure you have a lot of time (2+ hours) and a lot of patience (and a carton a vanilla ice cream to help you out, just in case).

Eating this pie reminded me of all the projects I've gotten frustrated by.  And anyone who knows me can tell you, I only like to do things that I'm good at.  And I wasn't very good at this pie.  However, I was able to overcome my frustration, exit the closet, and look bravely toward the pie future!

With great (pie) power comes great (pie) responsibility...

Valentine's Day Key Lime Pie

Step One: New pie places pop up all over Seattle (cupcakes are so 2009).

Step Two: The Stranger writes a questionable article on these new pie places.

Step Three: Enthusiastic Pie Connoisseur skims the article and zeroes in on the accompanying picture of a key lime pie (with a sloppy-looking whip cream job, might I add).

Step Four:  Enthusiastic Pie Connoisseur enthusiastically requests a Key Lime Pie from me, That Pie Girl.

For the pie I had to buy two limes (one for the zest, one for the decorative slices on top), and one little plastic bottle of lime juice (those plastic bottles are just over 1/2 cup).  In the baking aisle, I found condensed sweetened milk.  In the refrigerated section, I got some heavy whipping cream (why is the phrase, "you are what you eat", running through my head right now?!) and some cage free eggs for the yolks.

And yes, that is a fancy (and not too complicated) home made whip cream device, complete with miniature gas canisters.  Fun, but whip cream made without the device would be just as good, and would require reading fewer instructions with WARNING: May cause blindness messages.

Gas canister is cute, but not cuddly!

It's all about the crust (or "pie shell" as the pros say)...

At home, I followed the recipe in Carole's book for making the crust.  I have a food processor, but I was feeling really lazy about washing it out afterward, so I used the disposable  ziplock-bag-and-rolling-pin method.  In the end, I'm sure this was way more effort and time than just washing the darn food processor, but at least now you all know you don't need a food processor to make the crust.  You're welcome.

Maybe food photography is my next blog topic...

A long-term abusive relationship...

After baking the crust, I beat the egg yolks.  Now, Carole called for beating them "until they are a light color", but she also warns not to overbeat them either.  Ummm....?  I beat them for probably five or six good minutes, decided that the color had not changed at all, and went ahead with the next step anyway, adding the sweetened condensed milk, lime zest and lime juice.  Hint: Five or six minutes was perfect!  I'm wondering if yolks ever can get to be a lighter color...

At first I was worried that the filling only took up about half the pan.  Then I locked and loaded my whip cream canister, made some "rosettes", and it all made sense.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Final thoughts:

• This pie is fast to make and bake (a little over one hour total) because the crust is simpler and more fool-proof than traditional pie shells.  
• It was a little tart for my taste the night it was made, but after two days in the fridge it was just right.    
• Use the lime juice in little plastic lime-shaped bottles, but do not use pre-made crumbs or crust.  

Another American classic pie (surprisingly does not appear in Betty!) that reminded me of drinking Coronas with lime in Mexico.  Hmmmm.... maybe I need to rethink what "American classic" really means...

Literature

Because my mom makes great pies, especially cherry, I decided to start with her Betty Crocker circa 1970.  My original idea was to just bake a cherry pie, feel good about myself, and go back to Duncan Hines brownie mixes for "homemade" dessert.  However, after baking one passable cherry pie on my own, I was hooked!

Betty Crocker (just "Betty" from here on out) circa 1970 is awesome because apparently the prose hasn't been updated since 1900.  Here is the opening statement of the pie section:

My favorite parts are: "What's the American man's favorite dessert? Most people would agree -- it's pie." She continues on to admonish us, "If you care about pleasing a man -- bake a pie.  But make sure it's a perfect pie."

I'm hoping that most American men in this day and age are happy to have anything that wasn't ordered over the phone half an hour earlier.  I'm still researching to see if the current edition of Betty has changed this inspirational pie introduction.

In addition to Betty, I'm also using a book I found at Powell's in Portland the other weekend on sale.  It's called Great Pies and Tarts, by Carole Walter.  I really like this book because of its sizable tips and trouble-shooting section.

 She gives really really really detailed instructions for each element of pastries, from the different protein content of flour and how that affects the pies, to how to know if pears are in season or not, to the correct type of rolling pin to use.  It's so fascinating and well-written that I finally feel like I've compensated for skipping home ec in high school.

She also has a lot of different types of crusts.  I'm going to try her cheddar pie pastry crust this weekend on the winter pear pie I'm making on Sunday!

Other than that, I have looked at lots of pie books at Powells (about an hour's worth of browsing two lower shelves, actually), and wasn't too impressed by them.  But maybe I'm a complete snob, too.  It seems to be true that pie is like sewing -- something women did regularly in 1960 when they didn't have to go to work and pizza delivery and the internet hadn't been invented yet.  Now, we are all so intimidated by the idea that it's easier to just to go without.  Hopefully after reading about my (mis)adventures, you will feel buoyed to try at least one pie.  How about the next cold rainy afternoon when you need a reason to get off the couch (and want to impress your man, of course)?

Orange Meringue

This is a Betty Crocker recipe I borrowed from my mom's old-school cook book.  (See "Literature" post).  If you want the whole recipe, you can find it in her book.

Why orange and not lemon?

Now, pie is all about the classics, but after much scientific observation (of my friends enjoying it) and analysis (of me eating it), we have decided that orange is funner than lemon because it is sweeter and not as tart.  Plus, orange zest is always a welcome treat!

The torturous part...

Is beating the g****mn egg whites into submission!  "Firm peaks" indeed.  At least Betty provided color pictures.  My other pie book divides the stages of whipped egg whites in four different categories!

It took me between 35 and 40 minutes on medium and high to get the egg whites to the right consistency.  So if you have that man you're trying to please, get him to the do the heavy lifting.

In the meantime, you can start on the filling.  I recommend mixing up the lemon juice, zest and butter ahead of starting to heat the flour/OJ mixture, because once the flour/OJ gets to boiling, there's no time to waste.  This is why it pays to read (and comprehend!) the recipe ahead of time.

Shrinkage...

Another problem I had when using the aluminum disposable pie pan (for giving away to your friends) is that the pre-baked crust shrank like crazy.  That is why in the pictures it is virtually crust-free.  However, in my glass pie pan, it didn't shrink hardly at all.  So, poke a lot of holes in those pastries with aluminum pans, conform the pastry to the pan before baking, and leave at least a half inch beyond the edge of the pan.  Some people also claim that you can put the aluminum pan inside of a glass one for better baking.  I'll let you know how that goes next time.

The final product...

Was beautiful coming out of the oven, but as it cooled of course the meringue condensed and shrank.  It didn't' look bad, but it wasn't the colossus you see in pictures.  And after driving it three hours to Portland, the meringue separated in some places.  However, it didn't get watery and it still looked and tasted great when we cut into it.

The moral of the story...

If you have 2+ hours to spare and want to work on your upper arm strength, go for a citrus meringue!

I'm Moving to Hawaii...

...And I don't care if I have to sell drugs, or strip, or "work" on Aurora to do it, either.  (What about working at Bank of America, you ask?  Come on, what kind of person do you think I am?  Have some integrity, people.)

It is officially winter.  How do you know?  Here are some signs:

Go to a coffee shop at 2pm, in the dark, because you need some caffeine to convince yourself that life is still worth living.  However, that experience is so depressing that you have to bitch about it in your blog later.

The man on the radio says that at 24 degrees, Seattle is currently colder than the North Pole.

Come home and wash your hands after being on the bus.  However, you stand dumbly in front of the sink for 3 to 5 minutes while the water warms up, because you CANNOT put your hands in cold water right now.

Stay late at work, even though you have nothing to do, because the wind howling up Pine Street is just too damn cold.  It might be work, but at least it's warm inside!

Drink so many "Raspberry" Emergen-C's (like Airborne to the uninitiated) that your pee starts to turn a weird color.  Whatever, because it's better than getting sick right now, and dude on the bus like aimed for you when he sneezed today.

Even your dog subtly moves away when you try to warm your feet on her one too many times.

People, Keep you Political Correctness Together on the Bus

Yes, that title is very similar to "Men, Keep Your Knees Together on the Bus."  And yes, this post is going to be me complaining while making fun of my ride to downtown on the numero Cinco bus.

Enter DD mustachioed guy with a lanyard in the seat across from me, entertaining himself and everyone else with non-sensical sing-song sounds as he gently slides off his seat at every stop.  At least he was smiling! (Unlike some Capitol Hill baristas I could mention...)

Enter fancy-pants wooden flute playing guy, who starts playing "soothing" tones, I'm assuming to lull DD guy into silence, which didn't work AT ALL.  Whatever, because even DD guys with mustaches and lanyards have the right to express their frustration at sliding out of their seats at every stop.

Enter neighbor who says to flute-player, "Are you Navajo?"  Here are the potential reasons why he would ask this:

1) He thinks only Native American people can play fancy pants wooden flutes.
2) He thinks that Navajo is the only tribe of Native Americans.
3) He looks at the flautist's Pendleton wool coat and assumes that everyone who wears a vaguely "indigenous" print must be Native American/Navajo.

Now, this is where we all started to slide out of our metaphorical seats, because instead of schooling his neighbor in ignorance, the flautist just says, "I don't know who my real father is."  Wow.  Now he even has DD guy's attention.

Again, not a bad ride, because there were no bodily fluids spilled, which is really the only criteria for a not-terrible bus ride.

Coffee, Revisted

That's it.  I have decided to embrace "faceless", corporate coffee chains.  Why?  Because I would rather get mediocre-to-good coffee from nice people than good-to-excellent coffee from insecure yet intimidating and pretentious baristas at many of Seattle's local coffee shops, who are not-so-subtly judging me for wanting hazelnut syrup in my 12oz non-fat latte.  Yes, this is horrible and most likely heralds the end of the world, but I have a hard time ordering coffee from someone I'm a little frightened of.

Now, if you are a local Seattle coffee shop who hires civil and sometimes friendly baristas, then never mind and go ahead to my post, "Men, keep your knees together on the bus", which is funny AND informative.

However, all you coffee shops and baristas who are basically the espresso equivalent of the school yard bully, just trying to make others feel bad about themselves, when really you are the insecure freak, listen up.  Because I'm not going to be intimidated by you anymore!  Just because I'm not wearing "ironic" thick-framed, maybe or maybe not medically-necessary glasses doesn't mean I don't deserve to be looked at when I'm ordering my 16 ounce triple shot mocha latte no whip extra foam for here cappuccino (I know that's not a real thing, hello!).  And I know that while you want me to think that "vintage" flannel shirt you're wearing came from Value Village, in reality, I saw the same shirt at Urban Outfitters last weekend!  Ha!  Ha ha ha ha!

Yes, organic fair trade shade grown frog safe cannot be argued with.  All I'm asking for is a little respect.  A smile, perhaps?  An acknowledgement that non-hipsters are human too?  Appreciation of happy, good-natured customers?  I'm not convinced that in order to gain the respect of a barista I need to be a tortured "artist" who makes fun of teddy bears and puppies and rainbows.  And of course, a little more enthusiasm for someone in Old Navy gear ordering her daily 12 ounce non-fat hazelnut latte wouldn't hurt either.

*This post dedicated to the baristas at Stumptown coffee in Capitol Hill, who were really mean to international students trying to learn English today.  You know who you are.  (Oh, and your 12 oz non-fat single shot mocha was beyond dish d'lish, by the way. Exquisite!)*