Coffee, Revisted

That's it.  I have decided to embrace "faceless", corporate coffee chains.  Why?  Because I would rather get mediocre-to-good coffee from nice people than good-to-excellent coffee from insecure yet intimidating and pretentious baristas at many of Seattle's local coffee shops, who are not-so-subtly judging me for wanting hazelnut syrup in my 12oz non-fat latte.  Yes, this is horrible and most likely heralds the end of the world, but I have a hard time ordering coffee from someone I'm a little frightened of.

Now, if you are a local Seattle coffee shop who hires civil and sometimes friendly baristas, then never mind and go ahead to my post, "Men, keep your knees together on the bus", which is funny AND informative.

However, all you coffee shops and baristas who are basically the espresso equivalent of the school yard bully, just trying to make others feel bad about themselves, when really you are the insecure freak, listen up.  Because I'm not going to be intimidated by you anymore!  Just because I'm not wearing "ironic" thick-framed, maybe or maybe not medically-necessary glasses doesn't mean I don't deserve to be looked at when I'm ordering my 16 ounce triple shot mocha latte no whip extra foam for here cappuccino (I know that's not a real thing, hello!).  And I know that while you want me to think that "vintage" flannel shirt you're wearing came from Value Village, in reality, I saw the same shirt at Urban Outfitters last weekend!  Ha!  Ha ha ha ha!

Yes, organic fair trade shade grown frog safe cannot be argued with.  All I'm asking for is a little respect.  A smile, perhaps?  An acknowledgement that non-hipsters are human too?  Appreciation of happy, good-natured customers?  I'm not convinced that in order to gain the respect of a barista I need to be a tortured "artist" who makes fun of teddy bears and puppies and rainbows.  And of course, a little more enthusiasm for someone in Old Navy gear ordering her daily 12 ounce non-fat hazelnut latte wouldn't hurt either.

*This post dedicated to the baristas at Stumptown coffee in Capitol Hill, who were really mean to international students trying to learn English today.  You know who you are.  (Oh, and your 12 oz non-fat single shot mocha was beyond dish d'lish, by the way. Exquisite!)*